It's a Small World, But I Wouldn't Want to Paint It

Steven Wright turned 59 yesterday. It seemed a shame not to look at some of his best lines.

just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. 

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. 

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.